The Boxer
Talk of the Town, The New Yorker
August 2006

German director Uwe Boll’s name is pronounced u-vee bowl. This doesn’t matter, since he prefers to be called Dr. Boll, though no one seems to know what his doctorate is in. Dr. Boll specializes in turning video games into movies. His body of work is laden with expensive-looking computer-generated visuals, young breasts, copious amounts of blood and C-level actors such as Michael Pare (best known for the ‘80s cult classic “Eddie and the Cruisers”) and Meat Loaf Aday (best known for his gynecomastia in “Fight Club”). Dr. Boll has made a small fortune from films such as “House of the Dead,” “BloodRayne” and “Alone in the Dark,” starring Tara Reid as a bespecled archeological scientist. Ms. Reid and Dr. Boll were nominated for the 2005 Golden Raspberry awards for Worst Actress and Worst Director, respectively.

Video game fans, horror film fans and, seemingly, movie fans have mounted online campaigns to stop Dr. Boll from making films. Websites such as Boll Bashing and Uwe Boll Is The Antichrist have been erected in his honor. An online petition, simply named “Stop Dr. Uwe Boll,” has garnered more than 14,000 signatures, and he has received several death threats and warnings of physical violence. Dr. Boll does not have to listen to feedback: he writes, directs and produces his own movies. He lives well. But he is also a sensitive artist and still craves acceptance from critics. Tired of ridicule, the director decided it would be best to knock the praise out of his unappreciative audience.

In a June 12 press release, Dr. Boll invited his “five most outspoken critics” to Vancouver, where he is filming another game-based film, “Postal” starring Gary Coleman. The selected critics would be flown in and put up in a hotel. Dr. Boll said he would then beat on each of them during three-round boxing matches. “I’m fed up with people slamming my films on the Internet without see [sic] them,” he said in a statement. “Uwe is now challenging the critics that [sic] failed to watch his films prior to reviewing or commenting [sic], ‘TO PUT UP OR SHUT UP!’” Eligible victims are healthy males between 140 and 190 lbs. They must provide proof of two extremely negative articles published in 2005. (This writer is ineligible, as extremely negative articles published in 2006 do not count. Perhaps next year.)

Relaxing between takes, Dr. Boll was friendly on the movie set when we spoke. He was excited about the upcoming fights. “I’m training hard right now,” he said with a hearty laugh. His accent is more Schwartzenegger than Cologne, reflective of his Austrian schooling. “I’ve been sparring every day. I have a good stunt coordinator – a professional kickboxer – and every lunch break during the shoot we have six or seven rounds of sparring. We’re sweating like pigs.”

Dr. Boll said four, not five fights would now be planned. They would be on the evening of September 16. He elaborated on why he was doing the duels. “You have to show that you are not pussying out of life. Because I do video-game based movies, I’m very confronted by people who live in cyberworld. They create their own world. I disturb these people because they’ve been playing these games for years and have their own movie in their head and, with ‘Alone in the Dark’ or ‘House of the Dead,’ that’s why they hate me. That’s the only way I could explain it! There are so many shitty movies made and they aren’t critical about them. Maybe this is a wakeup call, this boxing event.”

Dr. Boll said that 15 to 20 people are up for fighting next month. He initially reached out to several major critics, including an unresponsive Quentin Tarantino. The more modest queue now includes an editor from Entertainment Weekly, a contributor to the horror publication Fangoria and the webmaster of the satire site Something Awful. In an email correspondence, Something Awful’s Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka said he currently has a “busy schedule of working out, running laps, weightlifting, and putting slabs of meat on my eyes (I forget, am I supposed to do that before or after I get punched?).” While Dr. Boll would be happy to hurt the current contenders, he is most angry with the 800 or so reviewers on the Internet Movie Database who gave the 2005 movie “Bloodrayne” a bad rating before it was even released. “And the people we sought from IMDB? They’re all pussying it out. We’re doing one last request, and if it’s not the IMDB assholes, we will pick from the current list.” He added, “We will definitely break some bones and noses that evening.”

“Uwe’s a very accomplished boxer. I think he might have been training for the Olympics at one point. I wouldn’t recommend someone who wasn’t Rocky Balboa stepping in there with him,” says Mark Altman, who collaborated with Dr. Boll on “House of the Dead,” generally considered his worst movie. When I asked Mr. Altman what was his favorite Uwe Boll movie, he sighed. “Oh God.”

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Look in your basement. You could have a treasure trove sitting in a damp cardboard box. Once the preferred medium of aging rockers and Luddite dinosaurs, records are now hip – and valuable. “Rock music can be an extremely cheap genre to collect, but if you’re interested in more obscure psychedelia, tiny local bands, and sub-genres like that, then the cost can be astronomical,” says Rick Wojcik of www.dustygroove.com. In fact, according to Jim Dawson and Steve Propes’ book “45 RPM”, the most expensive 45 single will run you about $23,000. That’s about $8,000 per minute of music.

Vinyl wasn’t always this hot, as your dusty records will probably attest. Invented by Leo Baekeland and Union Carbide in 1930, vinyl mapped out the earliest jazz and blues recordings, ushered in rock ‘n’ roll and gave us disco beats. However, an ’80s disco backlash as well as a new technology called the cassette tape threatened to bury the record permanently. A generation later, hip-hop DJs, jazz purists and hipsters musicians respect vinyl not only for its classic, sensual aesthetics, but the quality of the sound. The soft, malleable grooves of a record still capture sound better than digital music from your iPod.

Aside from the coolness factor, records are an affordable way to bone up on your music. “[Collecting records] can still be one of the cheapest ways to acquire music,” Wojcik says. “Both classic albums and rare treasures can be found cheaply.”

Most major cities have used record stores. eBay and the Internet, while a great way to browse, should only be used if it is from a reputable source. Finding quality records is a lot like purchasing fruit: you want the record to be shiny, with no marks, scratches or flaws. Also, because records are flexible, check for heat warps.

Collectors say it’s a worthy hobby, even if you don’t find that hidden treasure. “The important thing in collecting is to find music that you like and collect that,” says Rick Morey of www.thelaughingpapillon.com. “If you don’t get the return you are expecting, you still have a great collection that you like.”

SIDEBAR:
Getting a record player, or turntable in modern terms, isn’t as intimidating as it sounds. A brand-new record player will run you between $100 and $200. Popular brands include Gemini, Numark and Technics. There are basically two models: belt drive and direct drive. The cheaper belt drive is fine, that is unless you plan on scratching records like a hip-hop DJ. Make sure it also comes with at least one stylus (the record needle) and cartridge (record needle holder).

Used record players are also good – if you go to a reputable place. Try asking your local record store owner for suggestions. “Here in Chicago, we routinely send customers to a few of these outlets because they’ll get a great turntable for a good price, usually all refurbished and repaired,” says Rick Wojcik of www.dustygroove.com. And you might want to ditch the “classic” player you have in the attic. “Unless it’s a real gem, the ‘in the door’ cost of repairs to turntables are often as much as buying something new.”

Retro Replay

Looking to score a vintage arcade machine? Here are the rules of the game.

The first painting you see when entering Makeba Kedem-DuBose’s house/studio is “Marthyr”. It features a large human figure, yellow and red, in front of a rustic country house surrounded by idyllic green grass. The figure is being crucified.

“I call it ‘Marthyr’ because I am a mother, an artist and a martyr,” says Kedem-DuBose, examining the painting through her shoulder-length dreadlocks. “It was right after I gave birth, and I couldn’t paint while I was pregnant with her. I felt like I was going to die if I didn’t paint.”

For Kedem-DuBose, currently represented by Nicole Gallery in River North, spirituality and art are inseparable. The quest for spiritual meaning was perhaps inevitable for the artist: her grandmother practices African ancestral worship, her father is a New Orleans spiritual leader, and she herself attended Catholic school as a child. At one point she considered being a nun.

“I want everyone to be able to enjoy what I do as an artist because it is a gift from something higher than myself,” she says. “I use colors that correspond to the chakras, the spiritual centers of the body, and use that to try and help people to realize their oneness with one another.” Her colors are deep purples, blood reds and earthy browns, colors that seem to tap into something instinctual and raw.

One example is the painting “Eggs In Waiting”, which hangs in one of her bedrooms. The horizontal piece features the torso and upper legs of five women pregnant with large, visible eggs. Across a blue sky the brown bodies twist in different profiles, as if she wants us to view pregnancy from all angles. “It’s not necessarily only about childbirth,” Kedem-DuBose explains. “It also has to do with the process of creating.”

Artistic inspiration came early to Kedem-DuBose, most directly from Father James Hasse, a Jesuit priest and artist at Holy Family School in Chicago. She was in the second grade. “We were doing some classes with him and I recall doing some piece of people skating. Instead of having wheels on the roller skates, my piece had little bugs carrying people around,” she says laughing, as if she’s reliving the moment. “So I remember he took me off to the side and said ‘You know what? I think you’ve got something we need to explore.’”

Kedem-DuBose, a self-dubbed loner, eschewed a formal art education and took to learning the arts on her own, focusing mostly on painting. She says she didn’t enter the professional arena until about a decade ago, starting enterprises such as a greeting card company and, from 1997 – 1998, opening an eclectic gallery called Makaar Studios with her graphics artist husband, Aaron. Besides curating for others including the HotHouse and Penny’s Noodle Shop, Kedem-DuBose has always been a lone entity. At least until Nicole Gallery came along a year ago.

“Prior to [March 2003] I was a solo runner – I did what I wanted to – and I was a wild child art person,” Kedem-DuBose says. “But, in December of 2002 I did a test run of some small paintings I call my girl paintings [4 x 6 g-prints] at Dara Tribal Village and the HotHouse.” Sold out exhibits at both art houses led to a spot in Nicole Gallery’s annual women’s show in March 2003.

Nicole Allourde Smith, owner of Nicole’s Gallery, immediately selected ten pieces to run in the show, as well as an additional 5 prior to the opening. All fifteen sold out, and the collaboration between Nicole Gallery and Kedem-DuBose began.

Shortly after taking Nicole Gallery’s representation, Kedem-DuBose accepted the Assistant Director position for a new gallery Smith was opening. Her stint was short, but it did remind her of her purpose. “We discussed it and decided that I really needed to be creating art because everywhere that my art was it was selling [in 2003]… a lot of my older pieces as well as my newer pieces.”

Kedem-DuBose and Nicole Gallery are now looking forward to the annual women’s show in March – except this year she’ll be part of the gallery instead of a visitor.

As for the future, Kedem-DuBose has a simple, solid ten-year plan. “I will be an international artist. I’ve been at almost all the major places here in Chicago and I’d like to take my art a step further.”