Hackers, it seems, have changed our classic games. Bless their hearts.

“[The Nintendo emulator NESticle] allows you to access and edit character graphics and the most well-known game at the time [I started] was ‘Super Mario Bros.,’” says 36-year-old game hacker Kes Hanney aka Grimlick. “I had seen a few hacks of [Super Mario Bros.] that changed only some very basic things in the graphics, like taking away Mario’s mustache or making him naked… like anyone wants to see Bob Hoskins naked.”

Evidently there is not only demand to see Bob Hoskins ass, but “Lesbian Tennis*” and “Ernie and the Muppets Take It All Off!**” as well. Another fun title is “Knife Boy!” patterned after Atari’s terribly addictive “Paperboy.” It’s just like the classic ‘80’s title, but instead of throwing newspapers you throw, well, knives. Now you can really knock out that annoying dog.

The best game hacks are those that actually change the game mechanics. An excellent example is “South Park Zelda,” patterned after Nintendo’s classic adventure game. The hacker, who simply goes by “Kevin,” took the huge game and rearranged the massive map, created new doors and mixed up the dungeon areas. He also made sure the cast and humor of the show was retained with Mr. Hankey replacing the life-giving fairy, Kenny taking over as shopkeeper (“Mft Mff Mmft Mmmfft!”) and wise wizards spouting lines like “Kill me with that sword, Billy!”

However, in the land of game hacks the Most Original award goes to “Wilford Brimley Battle!” Patterned after Techmos’s beat-‘em-up classic “River City Ransom,” the game lets you and a friend take on the streets playing the likeness of the Teddy-Roosevelt-looking, handlebar-moustache-having, Quaker-Oats-pushing fucker himself. Game hacker Pope Hentai even gives the game a storyline: evidently the evil Kellogg’s corporation has cloned the company founder into an army poised to rule the world and, as the Quaker Oats spokesperson (“It’s the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it”), it’s your responsibility to stop them.

“My first attempt at a ‘rom hack,’ as I like to call it, was ‘Autobot Bros.’,” says self-confessed Transformer fanboy Grimlick. “The character of Mario was transformed into Bumblebee the Volkswagen Bug that, after consuming some Energon, became a humanoid robot that was bent on rescuing Optimus Prime from the evil clutches of Megatron.”

Grimlick says that game companies, including the behemoth Nintendo, haven’t cracked down on game hacking like they have, say, straight emulation. For instance, websites like Dave’s Classics, which had old-school games available for years, were sent cease-and-desist orders by the Interactive Digital Software Association lawyers a few years back because of alleged copyright infringement. They were told not to allow game downloads anymore. Those websites that complied stayed up and active, and those that didn’t, didn’t.

The abundance of game hacks online probably won’t end soon, however. A game company’s main concern is profit and, unlike actual duplicate games, it’s doubtful if “Wilford Brimley Battle!” will cut into Nintendo’s revenue from the next Mario game.

Game hacks are a niche, which becomes all the more obvious when Grimlick is asked what kind of feedback he’s gotten. “I think the best response I’ve received was when I hacked the Nintendo ‘Kung Fu’ into a He-Man and the Masters of the Universe game.”

We can’t wait for a nude She-Ra game.

*originally Nintendo’s “Tennis”
**originally Capcom’s “Mega Man 5”

To try your hand at KISS (the band) Golf, Nude Punch Out, and dozens of other free sick software, click here:
NESticle Download site:
Rom Hack Reviews: http://www.i-mockery.com/romhacks/
Grimlick’s Rom Hacks: http://members.tripod.com/grimlick/nhack.htm